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and i hate you one and all

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1. the life aquatic with steve zissou
2. the royal tenenbaums
3. fantastic mr. fox
4. moonrise kingdom
5. bottle rocket
6. the darjeeling limited
7. rushmore

although in all fairness i really ought to watch rushmore again. and darjeeling has an amazing soundtrack.

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i dreamed last night that i was back at the house on catherine street, but it was almost a post-apocalyptic setting. for some reason i managed to enter the other side of the house, and everything was exactly the same but so empty & destroyed; paint peeling, dirty, abandoned. i was exploring around having flashes of memories come to me of time spent in the house, on that side, flashing like movie scenes.

suddenly the door opened & i felt very awkward, but it was alex & some people i didn't recognize who apparently all lived there. suddenly the house had lights and colour and looked normal. i kept thinking alex was going to give me some weed or bong hits, and i continued feeling awkward.

then we were sitting on a bench(?) and i was looking out over a pier. there were lots of people & colours & business when all of a sudden the volcano that was in the distance past the water (which looked an awful lot like mt rainier) began to smoke. i had the feeling that the house was IN the volcano. it spat up huge chunks of blazing hot rock that flew across the sea straight at us. there was screaming & commotion as everyone scattered, ran, tried to find cover.

the bench we were sitting on was like a couch now, and i curled up holding a huge pillow and just braced myself. i felt myself being hit with fiery hot bits of magma and rocks but the pillow worked perfectly well as a shield.

after that my alarm went off.
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split-second "decisions" based out of no other alternative are still totally valid, right?

technically this is a promotion with the possibility of a lot more income every paycheck. but i'm so fucking nervous. it seems like such a big decision to make in ten minutes.

...though it took less time to decide to try acid or dmt so maybe insta-decisions are the way to go for me

i must think positively or all is lost

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2011 will be an amazing year for me, i've decided. here is what i will do:

-get in better shape, eat healthier, lose five pounds.
i feel better when i'm around 130 instead of 135, and i know all i really have to do is quit eating junk food and "easy" calories that i don't need. i've got a lot more muscle than before, but i'm using that as an excuse to eat like shit. if i ate the way i did when i was broke, i'd be in fucking fantastic shape, and that's what i want. i want to get more cardio in - running, walking, the toner thing; and for lent i'm going vegan. for real, no cheating. i'm tired of not feeling as good as i should or i deserve because i'm taking a lazy way out.

-GET INTO GRAD SCHOOL.
technically this would happen in 2012, but every single thing i need to do is this year. study for and take the gre (and get awesome scores); write my resume/cv; get all the necessary copies of my undergrad transcripts; get recommendations (todd, scott, lynda); write a 10-page research paper as a writing sample; edit & complete my demo reel; write a thesis proposal/grad school goals/etc; fill out all the application materials for the ten grad schools. i want everything to be as good as i can possibly make it because i don't want to have to do this again. i want to take charge and move forward with my life, and i know that won't happen if i don't make plans and set goals and take steps to make it happen.

-save save save money like a scrooge.
i need to adopt the philosophy of, "if i were broke, would i spend this money?" and if the answer is no, then i need to not fucking spend it. i mean, going out with a couple people occasionally or a slight indulgence is totally understandable, but i need to stop buying shit from jc or pier1 because i don't need it. the more money i save, the better off i'll be for grad school.

...this is really it. be healthier, be proactive, be thrifty. i would really like to get to mass, you know, ever, so hopefully i'll be able to get that in also. other things would be to complain less, be a nicer person, keep my douchey comments to myself, that kind of thing. i don't want to be thought of as an asshole, not really, and i definitely don't want to think back on myself as kind of a twat.

i would like to actually get my tattoo plans solidified, maybe even researched. i know i want the narnia line on my left ribs (the dream is ended: this is the morning.) but i need to decide placement, font, size, etc.

basically i just want to get my life in order and get on with it so that my future can be everything i hoped for and amazing things i never realized were possible. i want to be happy and free and i want to do everything i can to make my dreams a reality.

that said, 2011 will be an amazing year. i don't just have high hopes for it, i WILL make this shit happen.
mood:
steadfast
music:
the promised land : bruce springsteen
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"put your mental burden in my mind vice...and i will crush it!"
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lately i've been feeling pretty indifferent (bordering on bored) with my dreadlocks. they're over three years old now & i've just been feeling that my options are limited & that since i'm often at work, it's always looking the same & it's just a hairstyle that's more trouble than it's worth right now.

BUT this morning i washed my hair & as i was drying it i looked at it in the mirror and i was just so happy. dreadlocks are part of me right now, and i know they won't be always but for now even when i'm tired of them i can't imagine not having them. until i feel differently, these are staying.

also as a reminder, i recall these exact same (or indeed very similar) feelings at this time last year. i don't know what that means, but surely it's relevant.

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i need to keep reminding myself, when i think back fondly to my sunlit richmond room with coffee mugs and pot smoke, that the reason i had so much free time to write, edit, create art & dream was because i was broke and unemployed; the reason i have no free time now is because i'm saving approximately a shitload of money for grad school so i can be a professional dreamer.

sometimes it's still a toss-up to which i'd prefer though, if i'm being honest.

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if i were to ever have a daughter, i would name her virginia. not after my home state (though i always dug the coincidence) but after my grandmother. she was an unfailingly kind, funny and patient woman. i see a lot of her in my dad, i hope i show a lot of her in me.

and if i had a daughter, i would hope she'd be a lot like granny.

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i had a dream the other night that i was walking around an unfamiliar house with lots of glass walls, only it was my house decorated 70s-style & i was having a party. i was feeling a little lost & out of it and kept running my hands through my hair until i finally realized that my dreadlocks were gone & my hair was straight, untangled & brushable.

i woke up and saw my dreadlocks in the mirror and i was so relieved.

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